These words came to me in the wee hours of the night, weeks ago. Loud. Really loud. My plan was to keep them to myself, but today I decided differently.
I love my life. In this moment I truly love it.
And it's not because it's "perfect". It's actually a terribly big f***ing glorious mess.
If you were to apply the common measuring stick as to what society defines as being "successful", I'm sure I'd receive a failing grade.
And you know what? At this moment I could give a flying you know what.
The irony being that in the time of my life in which I would have received an A+ and was truly "winning" by all standards, is when I was "failing" the most. I was scrambling and the furthest I ever been from myself.
I love this mess because I have found myself in it. Albeit, I feel like I just walked out of a head on collision, wheels spinning and engine smoking. But I'm alive, even if I'm a bit banged up.
I know now more than ever what I don't want.
A blessing of sorts.
I know the kind and not so kind opinions of others are irrelevant - unless my heart tells me otherwise.
Because now, I can hear my hearts whisper-something I stopped listening to years ago.
I know who the people are who are truly in my corner. They are here not because of what I represent, who they think I may be, or to "cash in" on the benefits of an assumed status based on what some "pseudo success" could bring. Those days are behind me.
Who I am now is a woman stripped completely of every preconceived notion anyone may have ever had about me.
I am naked.
I've made no qualms about showing my insecurities, my wounds and fears. No more pretending. No more perfection.
The only certainty I have is that in this moment is that I am full of gratitude for this life. For God. For all the things that are wonderfully "right" as well as what has been horribly "wrong". Both have taught me how to peel back the layers and find my center.
I am blessed for the right people stepping in at the right time. For synchronicity.
For faith in a higher power. I call it God.
That I am not alone.
For inspiration to write, to cook and to teach.
For the doors that have closed and the doors that have opened.
For friendship and love.
For the courage to keep going.
To everyone that has traveled this path with me to this point - and I mean EVERYONE. Even those of you that created some huge mountains and valleys for me to trudge through, and stole my shoes while you were at it, my feet might be calloused but they are stronger and can withstand more than I ever thought they possibly could.
So let's make a toast to honor the ultimate of shit shows - yours or mine and let's be glad we lived to talk about it today.
And the next time I'm tired, confused or feel like the next step is too hard, I'll bring myself back to these words, this moment of clarity and remember this glorious mess is what ultimately brought me back to myself.💛