Infatuate Much? Let US Count The Ways…

 I'd like to broaden the parameters of what we all think of as infatuation, I think you may be surprised...

falling-out-of-infatuationSo, in my personal experience, I have found it trivial at best, to be overly concerned about infatuation, because unlike resentment, it feels good. At least in the beginning. It's a rush, dopamine courses through our body and gives us that "high", makes us feel amazing, invincible or just better about ourselves than we did before that chance encounter. Lately though, I've changed my mind, some new information has made it into my awareness, and you, yes YOU may find it of some value!

"When I first started looking at the properties of infatuation, they had some of the same elements of a cocaine high: sleeplessness, loss of a sense of time, absolute focus on love to the detriment of all around you. People walk out of marriages, abandon children. Infatuation can overtake the rational parts of your brain." -Rutgers University anthropologist Helen Fisher, Ph.D

In my own life, I have experienced infatuation in many different forms, some more extreme than others, some shorter lived and some more subtle, spanning over a couple of decades. I've been infatuated with men, women(in friendships), my dog, most recently Steven Tyler and even with infatuated with ideas, experiences, places and things (that may sound a little abstract, I know but follow me this is leading somewhere)

When we are infatuated with another human being, our thoughts become consumed with them, we fantasize, create expectations, become distracted in our every day life, and our inner peace is disturbed. Then, a whole bunch of other strange stuff starts to get tangled up in that feeling. It eventually transitions from a high to becoming stressful. Fear of loss creeps in and we become stuck somewhere in between a place of feeling like we are incomplete, intimidated or dependant on this person or thing for making us feel good and whole. We start to minimize ourselves, sometimes we lose our voice, allowing those we infatuate with to get away with all sorts of things. Those "things" often going against our grain or what we value most. Things that do not truly reflect who we are, we become run by a perception that we have found the "be all end all", the answer to our prayers, the magic elixir - outside of ourselves and based on an incomplete view or understanding of the whole picture.

I recall a time in my life where I found myself at an indoor shooting range (more than once) firing off a 45 caliber gun, every time I squeezed the trigger I was literally terrified.  I dreaded going but convinced myself to "keep trying". That was so not my idea of time well spent, but guess what? My desire to foster connection with my mate kept me going back. Anyone who knows me would get a good laugh out of that. I've smoked cigarettes, made an ass out of myself trying to impress people who I have elevated or put on a pedestal. I've compromised myself and catered to people all because I couldn't see that the very thing I was admiring in them I had within me! I could write a page full of examples of how I have done weird stuff, things that were definitely NOT me, in the name of creating connection, closeness or simply wanting to be accepted and in the presence of people who I thought were "better", "greater" and "grander" than me, and then SURPRISE I ended up hating myself for it and inevitably resenting them. I have spent WAY too much time in my life see sawing back and forth from one extreme to the other praising someone/something and then suddenly finding myself overly critical. And I have news for you...the higher the "high" the lower the "low". Why? because it seems one of the laws of the universe is what goes up must eventually come down. There is something governing that, you can choose to call it what you wish, but we are all being guided towards equanimity. It is in this space of seeing the whole picture that balance, gratitude and love resides. The part of the picture that sees everything as whole, complete - with no missing parts.

Once I was able to come to a place of observing what I was doing, instead of judging the crap out of myself, I started to realize how exhausting it had been cycling between extremes and also holding someone or something in such high regard that the thought of loosing them kept me so fear driven and disempowered. In a prison of sorts - a little bit of dramatic flair for you all(I do like a bit of drama once in a while - it keeps me on my toes) but just take a second to think about it a person place or thing that you hold above yourself, that thing or person that you think has or gives you something that you haven't recognized in yourself. Don't be fooled and think that you can have a balanced exchange/relationship as long as you are looking for someone or something else to make you feel good.

You are the only one that can actually fill your own cup.  You have it all inside of you! I promise. All you have to do is get busy, look for it...find it! You'll find yourself much more centered because of it.

Love,
Jackie

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