About a year ago, I stumbled upon something called a "Legacy Journal" at the bookstore. It got me thinking, "what does a person write about in a legacy journal?" and of course, the ultimate question, "What will my legacy be?" It caused me to really reflect about what my impact is and has been on those that have touched my life.
Making amends and working towards resolving conflict can create a really powerful effect in our own lives as well as the lives of others. I don't believe that "in our right mind" , we as human beings desire to be at odds with or carry bitter feelings about another human being that we have cared for and shared a kinship with.
Having the courage to acknowledge our role in a conflict and any pain that came as a result of that can really aid in healing the situation. A few years ago I was given a "gift" from a gal, that at the time, I had truly believed had betrayed me in the most heart wrenching way possible. The anger filled me with such poison towards her and carrying those feelings started to take their toll on me both physically and mentally. I was in pain.
I requested a meeting with her, my sole intent to demean her, to lash out, visions of scratching her eyes out and some serious hair pulling clouding my mind. I felt like I was on the brink of insanity. I never thought she would have the courage or character to face me, but she did - full well knowing that she would be on the receiving end of my wrath.
What followed was a very sincere and heartfelt acknowledgement of her part, she was defenseless and ready to take whatever it was I had to dish out. I knew when I saw her that it was not my place to "punish" her, because the guilt and torment she had been living with was breaking her. She was in no better of a place then I was. So here we were, two broken and hurt souls. Sensing her vulnerability and the depth of her pain united us in a strange way. It is very difficult to launch an attack on someone when you see yourself in them. We parted ways, with tears and an embrace - both of us mourning all of what we had lost and at that same moment gained...
Life happens, we all make mistakes, the experience is part of how we learn. We hurt the ones we love, sometimes just in an effort to mask our own pain and insecurities. Carrying grudges holds us back, denies us peace of mind and keeps us in the past - which is not in our power to change. No doubt I still cringe when I think about all that happened, occasionally a tear or two follows - a testament of the struggle that lead to me finding peace and forgiveness.